I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I cut my penus on the lid.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Randomize
