i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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