she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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