I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
