I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
should my penis look like a turkey
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
