I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
