Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
