just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
