If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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