Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
