New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
