You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
