Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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