Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
