you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
