Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
