Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
