i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
