So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Randomize