When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
