I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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