i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
