put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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