My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
