It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
