Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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