I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
