what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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