Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
