So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
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I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
you mean i was at the winter classic?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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