her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
