from now on my penis is your penis
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
