I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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