Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
