My hand turned me down
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
