I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
My cat gives me a boner
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
