He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Couch. On fire.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
