it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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