$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
