Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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