I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
