I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You are the jesus of drinking
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
