and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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