Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
