I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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