TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Randomize
