Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
