he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
FUCK WHALES
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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