Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
foreskin is a definite game changer
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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