it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
