so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
