You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
