so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
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Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
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I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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