best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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