I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
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