boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
