Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
