you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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